Ah, to be poetic

So I have always loved poetry I don't know if I told you all this but I want to be a writer and I have just recently finished (and am now re-doing) my first chapter of a book. Woohoo! Go me! Anyways an exercise I try to do as often as possible is write a poem. So now without further ado...

A moment

If a moment could be just that

I'd take it

I'd break it

I'd smash it with a bat.

Like a crystal, slivers shimmering on the floor

Dancing in the light, glimmering with ease

I'd make a day of gathering each piece

I'd take millions of moments, maybe more

Gathered together the moments would seem

Really nothing more

than a nightmare

Or a dream

Placing each broken moment in a drawer

Categorizing the type it may be

A look, a touch, a small fallen tree

So I could look upon them ever more

To take a moment and let it be just that

Glorious, shocking, simple, amazing

I'd take it

I'd break it

I'd smash it with a bat

Chandra Chant

Yeah a little random but I've been thinking a lot about moments lately and how beautiful simple little times in our lives can be. 

Life for the past 2 months.

So the biggest thing that has happened in the past couple months was that I had a miscarriage. I wasn't far along and I really wasn't heartbroken about it or anything I just hadn't felt like talking about it. It happened at the end of September. I was only 6 weeks and I had literally found out the day before the miscarriage. Really only the day of the miscarriage was really hard. Surprisingly it was pretty painful and it took quite a few days to stop hurting. After that it was smooth sailing and it actually really helped me get motivated to get back in shape. So in a lot of ways I am grateful for the experience. Even though Jax's pregnancy was really hard and all the fears about his birth defect after he was born were really difficult I wouldn't trade any of those experiences.

It's a little strange that something like this can completely change your perspective. I have also been struggling with depression since I had an IUD (I can't handle hormones at all). Also really strange but the miscarriage helped me a lot with my perspective concerning the depression. It snapped me right out of it. I just decided that I had, had enough of being down. I also wanted to get pregnant again and knew that it wouldn't be good if I was still feeling as down as I had been.

Sorry this is such a short post, there has been a lot of other stuff going on but I kinda need to go to bed so this will have to be it for now. I just want to say that I know Heavenly Father knows each and every one of us and that sometimes even giving you a trial can help you get past other trials. I am so grateful for the gospel, and my family.

Let me know if any of you have struggled with these things. It feels great to talk especially to people who know what you're going through.

Jax Update!

Ok I know that for most of you the only reason you read my blog is for the awesome updates about Jax so this one is just for you.

Jax weighs 32 pounds!

He is tall but won't sit still long enough for me to measure him,

actually he's sleeping right now so I think I'll go try

probably the only time I'll ever be able to get it

Ok he is 33 inches long!

ha ha why haven't I done that before?

Anyways so I just did the calculator thing and he is the 25-50% for height 

and the 90-95% for weight! That ridiculous!

He has a cold at the moment and is pretty dang miserable!

I hate it when he's sick!

Jax is a crazy talker!

Story time,

So we went to build a bear the other day

we were giving Jax all the bears to see which one he liked the best.

He hugged and smiled at each one but was willing to let them go.

Eventually he said "Uh, uh that one."

And was pointing to a scruffy puppy.

So I took it off the shelf and handed it to him.

He hugged that puppy so tight!

And when I had to put it back he gave me the saddest look in the entire world. 

It broke my heart!

So we made the scruffy puppy and named it "Coco"

Well he loves Coco.

Takes him everywhere. 

Today in the car he asks "Coco?"

I told him coco was at home.

He just looks at me, "where is he?"

So I tell him again "he's at home."

He smiles and says "Oh" but keeps singing "coco, coco, coco" to himself.

It was adorable.

And when we got home and it was bedtime

 I ask if he wants to go see Coco.

He runs to the stairs and to Coco we go. 

Sometimes you buy you kids something and find yourself smiling about that decision in the middle of the night when they are sick and all they want is to cuddle with their Coco.  

New phrases Jax  is saying

Is that a star?

Where is he?

Who is that?

Where did he go?

Go, go!

I do peekaboo!

Blue's clues!

Where's Binky?

Where is Coco?

And of course 

Mama, ma, ma, ma, ma! yelling of course!

He he 

Seriously though everyday the hugs he runs up and gives me

the smiles I get for giving him crayons,

his excitement when we play outside,

and just everything about him makes my heart burst with joy.

Sometimes late at night when I sneak into his room to just stare at him I think of all the reasons why I can't believe I gave birth to him.

1. He is so stinkin smart

2. outgoing (says "hi" to everyone he sees)

3. loving 

4. caring

5. sweet ( I love when he sees I'm sad and gets all concerned and runs over to give me a hug)

6. helpful (he always cleans up his toys)

7. playful

8. So energetic ( I guess I was as a kid too, where did that go?)

there are a million more but that's all I've got right now!

Well that's all for now folks. 

Can't fight this feeling!

So I have been trying to keep busy and unlike other times I'm doing really good at it. So I've been sewing, cooking, cleaning and generally being a super-duper awesome wife and mom. Ba ha ha ok just kidding. I have been a lot better at keeping up on house duties and doing my fun little projects. 


I am trying to sell my bedroom set at the moment though because I want a bigger bed. Ours is a queen and has been fine but with my back killing me and Kyle's neck killing him we just need something that works a little bit better for us. It's gorgeous and very well taken care of so if you're interested.... Ha ha 


Anyways I made some pesto with my sister the other week and I don't know what it is about that stuff but it's absolutely delicious! I crave it on a daily basis now! so if you've never made any let me tell you a little story.
About a year ago or so I was dropping Kyle off at work and we had a little time before he needed to be in so we decided to try a little breakfast place next to his work. I got a bagel. Ok no, I got THE BAGEL OF THE CENTURY. This guy was a culinary genius. He toasted a bagel to perfection and slathered on some cream cheese, then perfectly sliced some tomatoes and topped it all off with some fresh pesto. BEST BREAKFAST OF MY LIFE! And I'm totally not over-exaggerating. You put pesto on anything and it is so easy, good for you, and delicious. 


You are probably wondering why I'm on a pesto kick! Well, in the past  24 hours all I've eaten is some crackers. I have no idea what I am sick with but I have been miserable. All I can think about is food. Even though I can't eat anything. Lame, right? So, don't mind me, I'm just hungry. :)

Beautiful new skirt

P.S. my shoes are awesome too!

It looks a lot better on! Ha ha

 This skirt took forever to make. I just made it a lot more difficult by adding the bunching top. It is so much fun to wear! It swishes and makes me look skinny and I absolutely love it! By the way I got this fabric along with like 15 more bolts with 10 yards each from Craigslist for 40 bucks. I should have taken a picture but I forgot and now it's all put away! OH well. ha ha Seriously awesome deal though! Yeah I pretty much really love craigslist.


I have a lot of fun stuff planned for this weekend so just pray that my whole little family will get better, Jax didn't eat anything today either. My poor guy just wanted to watch blue's clues all day! Ha ha well I love you all thanks for the support! :)

Get your giggle on!

Yep, I made a skirt. It only took a couple hours. 

I just used a basic pencil skirt pattern

It really was pretty fast. 

It helped that my friend Sicily is such an awesome seamstress.

Yeah she definitely taught me how to sew on a zipper. 

Much easier than my previous attempts.

In other news our Labor Day was pretty dang awesome!

We went to a hotel for the weekend 

(just Kyle and me)

The "resort" was way outdated but the bed was so big and comfy!

Plus, we got a free upgrade so that helped!

We also went to Jesterz. (http://www.jesterzimprov.com/)

So stinkin' funny.

We recommend you go once a month to get your giggle on.

I think that is going to be a new phrase of mine

Get your giggle on!

Yep, I definitely like it. In fact I'm changing the title of this post to that right now.

Well other than that fun stuff I mainly just have a lot of doctor's appointments.

Yep, I'm still having to do a lot of work for my back and neck.

Physical therapy, pain management, oh and I finally got a doctor who actually knew what the dry up pill was and I should be done with this uncomfortable weight in the chest area soon. Woohoo!

I think my next project is going to be my rocking chair.

I've got the fabric now I just need the inspiration.

Send some vibes my way. 

Such a cute smile!

New Pencil Skirt (Front)

Back

Oh and I'm going to try to take a picture of me in the skirt soon. If not me maybe a little bit better of a model. :)

Like this kid

Think he'd look good in my skirt?

Hmmmm...

Playing the Piano

Cheesy Pasta Bake

Ok I don't know if any of you know this but I love to cook.

Yep, it's super fun!

But I also love super easy and good food.

So what to do on a busy night when you want to make dinner

in 10 min and eat in 40 this is the perfect recipe for you.

Ingredients

-Penne Pasta

-1 egg

-Ricotta Cheese

-Mozzarella Cheese

-Ragu Traditional Sauce

-Garlic Alfredo Sauce (optional) Gives it a richer taste. I like the Bertoli brand.

Directions

Bring a 2 qt. pot of water to a boil. Add penne pasta (1/2 lb. was enough for both of us) and cook until al dente.

In a separate bowl mix the egg and 1/4 cup ricotta cheese, then add a 1/4 cup of Garlic Alfredo Sauce and 3/4 cup of Ragu Sauce.

Once pasta is done mix in with other ingredients then put in either a 9" round dish or a 8" square dish.

Layer with Ragu sauce then Mozzarella cheese 1/2-3/4 cups. (You can add parmesan cheese for extra flavor)

Then put in the oven at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until cheese browns.

Take out and serve with an Italian salad or something else and Enjoy!

Well that's pretty much all I've done this week other than get Kyle all ready for school.

Oh and I've signed up for a class too.

I'm probably going to take a few classes.

Should be fun! And crazy!

~Chandra

Hello....

Wow, has it really been over a month already? 

Life has been a little crazy over here!

Kyle is still without a job! :(

But he starts school on Monday! :)

I had surgery for something minor that happened when I had Jax

at the end of July and I am finally feeling like myself again.

I still have a rough couple of hours everyday but overall my mood, attitude, 

and attention span have improved dramatically!

Who knew that being in pain all the time could make you so moody?

Piece of advice...

if something is hurting you, GO TO A DOCTOR!

I lived with what I thought was minor pain for a year and a half.

I'm so glad that I finally saw a doctor and got it fixed!

Anyways,

I am trying to figure out how to start a home day care.

I just have a few problems to deal with...

1. I need a bigger house

2. I need supplies 

3. Money

4. I need clientele 

Other than that I'm set! 

If you guys have any suggestions I'm all ears.

I'll be back soon. 

Fourth of July Adventures!

Papa with almost all the Grandkids!

So, this weekend was pretty dang interesting!

First we leave on Thursday!

Go up to the Rim past Payson!

Start Camping!

Us at the Payson park on the 4th

We are having super fun times,

And then...

Saturday

Ugh

Throwing up everything!

Not me, Jax!

He had a fever since Wednesday

And on Saturday everything just got ridiculous!

Jax and Connor being silly!

We had to take him in town to the urgent care.

Turns out he still had the double ear infection we thought he got over,

along with hand, foot, and mouth virus. (Cold sores all over the mouth, 

and sores on the hands and feet, very painful)

Which is extremely contagious!

Poor guy was so stinkin miserable!

Dirty, Dirty Face!

The only thing he wanted to do was ride on the quads.

That little guy loves quads.

He would sit there and first and then start to dance and sing.

Love, Loving the quads!

In other news, he also seems to love teddy bears.

On last Wednesday we went to Wal-Mart

and I picked up this cute little bear.

Jax apparently wasn't feeling good but he loved cuddling with that bear.

He sat in the cart hugging it and talking/ singing to it.

It was the cutest thing in the entire world!

He was so stinkin adorable.

Sometimes I can't contain my excitement at his awesomeness. 

Reading, Peter Rabbit with his bunny!

 Well that's all for now folks! Hope you all enjoyed the dust storm as much as we did today! 

Ha ha j/k.

Just glad we didn't get the car cleaned yesterday!

Mima being super silly

Jax and Calyssa hugging/ wrestling!

Footprints in the dirt.
So cute!

Driving With Daddy!

Aren't those just the cutest little feet!

 

Double Ear Infection, Teething, and Toes!

So Jax got a double ear infection last week. 

He is finally almost done with his medicine.

Which by the way we have to give him via chocolate milk.

First time he spit it out all over me.

I think he even got Kyle's leg too.

Jax is also teething! 

He is finally getting his last molar and it is almost out.

I check it everyday, and everyday I think it will come out! 

So that's pretty much DRIVING ME CRAZY!

I'm sure he's going crazy too though, ok probably more than I am, poor guy.

So this brings me to toes!

Well  Jax loves to bite them.

Every time I lay on the couch and have my feet hanging off

he grabs them and chomps down.

It's really quite gross.

He thinks it's hilarious!

I just can't help but laugh even though it hurts. :)

Funny story for your pleasure.

Today I'm trying to get my make-up done and Kyle is upstairs getting ready.

Well I don't think I've told you all that my mood has been crazy lately. 

(And no I'm not pregnant, my doctor checked!)

Ok so I'm just sitting there and all the sudden I burst in to tears.

I am seriously shaking and crying so hard, for no reason mind you.

Well Kyle comes down asking whats wrong and I'm just crying, and crying.

I can't even look up at him.

So he takes me in his arms then tells me to look up at him.

I look up and what do I see...

His face is completely covered in shaving cream.

It didn't even take me a second to start bursting with laughter.

It was hilarious.

It was one of those rare moments where you really wish the camera had been on.

I'm laughing so hard I can't breath for a good couple of minutes.

Good times, good times.

In other news.

Kyle lost his job.

It sucks.

If you happen to have any leads we would really appreciate the help.

Hope everybody has a great independence day!

Stumping Doctors, one of my favorite pastimes... apparently!

So the docs never know what's wrong with me.

It's like I'm an alien or something!

It's driving me crazy!

Well then... Fine doctors I see how it is.

Ok, ok I'll admit I have been pretty healthy for the past few years.

Except of course this past year.

Yeah the past year stunk.

Um...let me explain

Weight gain, bloating, headaches

blah, blah, blah

the biggest problem is that even though I've been done nursing for 5 months now

 and yet I'm still producing and engorged.

It's horrible!

So I was at the doctor's for two and a half hours today!

So lame.

And all he really did was make me pee in a cup!

P.S. I'm not pregnant (just a little side note)

So according to the doctor,

I probably have some sort of auto-immune disorder and some hormone disorder!

And then the stupid nurse is trying to make me wait a month to even do the tests and get the results

Well guess what nurse.. not happening!

So I will go by the end of the week and get my results next week. That's right.

So I'll keep you all updated.

Hopefully they can figure this all out I'm tired of feeling sick!

On a side note Memorial Day was great!

Went to my parents and had a BBQ 

and the kids got to play in a little kiddie pool.

Jax loved it! He seriously swallowed like 3 gallons.

It was amazing! It's just so nice to sit and relax at someone else's house sometimes.

Jax needs his little buddies.

He gets way too fussy without friends, silly social child.

I love it.

Well here are some awesome pics of my kid.

Summer makes me slow!

So it's been like a really like time!

What's up guys?

Me oh, well you know the usual, being awesome!

Let's see Jax is finally getting over whatever virus he had.

 He was sick for 2 weeks.

So sick that we had to take him to the hospital with a 105.1 temp.

Not fun

Storytime

Got to the hospital at about 1 a.m.

While Checking in at 1:03 a.m. Jax pukes all over me!

The End

Just kidding

We were at the hospital for about 5 hours and they took his blood and urine

He was so good through it all though.

I never really had this happen before but when they were taking his blood I was extremely

 nauseous  and dizzy.

Then while Kyle and I tried to sleep in little dinky chairs, Jax got the bed.

They couldn't find anything so they finally sent us home around 6.

We slept until 3:30 p.m. and we still had to wake Jax up.  Poor guy.

The End (for reals this time :)

Onto other things I haven't had too much going on just catching up on projects

I sewed a cover for my Nursery rocker. It's not finished but I'll post pics when it is.

I have also spent the last week or so trying to get a huge playgroup set up.

A lot of ladies in my ward want a playgroup and so do I so I'm taking the challenge to make it happen.

I'm trying to get as many people as possible and trying to plan an activity at least once a week.

So far I've got quite a few ladies who are going to participate

but if any of my lovely fans want to be a part of the fun then just let me know!

Most of the things we will be doing will be either free or fairly cheap.

I'm so excited to get this started!

I'm trying to think of other things to talk about but

really I haven't been up to too much.

So I'll just add some pics and get back to you all again soon.

Running through the Sprinklers!

OOOH.... Water!

Guys, guys, I've got to tell you something! Listen to me!

Drama Queen

Ok so sometimes I'll admit

I'm a bit of a drama queen.

Like the other day with my post.

Sorry Folks but to be honest

"it was my time of month."

So things are better today. 

I'm not so upset and I feel 

much better about everything.

Yeah we still have our problems

But I was overreacting a little bit.

Yes I am depressed.

Yes Kyle does not do as much as I'd like

And yes I get frustrated a little too easily.

But anyways!

Today was a good day! 

Kyle and I had a good talk last night.

We have made some decisions and some new goals.

I'm excited for once

And I'm actually giving myself lots to do.

And I'm going back to school in the fall. 

Yay!

I'll have to get a bike though.

I definitely can't walk all around the ASU campus.

It'll just be pathetic trying to get to class on time without a bike.

I just have little legs!

It's a sad truth.

So back to today.

Kyle's day off

We cleaned

We went the in-laws and all of Jax's cousins were there!

He had so much fun!

Seriously!

I was afraid he would never want to leave.

He played, he ate, he played some more.

It was so much fun!

Then we went to my parents

We got there just in time for me to make some salsa

my parents to make some carne asada.

We sat on the porch to eat since it was such a nice day.

The only downside was that Kyle got stung by a bee. Ouch! :(

Then we came home played some guitar hero and are currently watching Iron Giant.

A movie we have been wanting to watch for weeks but it never worked!

See good day!

Well I'm off I just wanted to update that I'm doing much better now 

that I'm a little more mentally balanced. :)

Goodnight!

Balance Issues and Other Depressing Tales

Does anyone else feel completely out of balance?

It's gotten better but to be truly honest I still feel like my marriage is out of balance.

I do more housework, (ok I am home all day but still he can't do one chore a week? Seriously)

I take care of everything with Jax (a.k.a. naps, snacks, breakfast, lunch, dinner, diapers, baths, etc)

I talk to Kyle more, tell him more about my life, cook, shave my legs more than he shaves his face.

And lots of other fun things that get on my nerves.

(P.S. I'm on the right and Kyle is the left)

I really wouldn’t be all that concerned but we've been married for over 2 years and it's been this way almost the whole time.I have to put this in. I feel like Bella and Edward except that I am the perfect one and he is the one who needs to work on being worthy of me :), (he he) even though he doesn't see it that way. Ha ha I had to put in my little Twilight comparison there.

To be fair the 3 months I was on bedrest and the month after I had Jax he took care of more around the house than I did. (I had a doctor's note though J)

I know every marriage has it's ups and downs but I'm starting to think this is just how it is going to be.

I know deep in my heart that it won't always be like this but I find myself asking, constantly, if this is ever going to get any better.

If we had more money would it get better, if he liked his job would it get better, if we moved, what if I went back to school, could he handle that?

These are just a few of the ridiculous questions I have.

Now I know hardly anyone ever talks about it but I'm going to talk about depression a little bit now.

I have been depressed for almost a year now. No it was not postpartum depression. I would have thought so but the first 6 weeks after I had Jax were absolutely perfect. I was in love with my baby and couldn’t be any happier finally having him in my arms. I never had any thoughts of being upset with him or anything. I only had those thoughts about Kyle (after the first 6 weeks of hardcore happy inducing birth related hormones). Then I went on birth control. Have I told you I hate hormone birth control? Well, in case I haven’t, I really, really hate it! I got a Mirena IUD 6 weeks after Jackson's birth at the beginning of April last year.

 At first I thought I was just sad because of the hormone changes but as the months dragged on I realized I was listless, gaining weight, stress eating, and I was starting to panic about really stupid things (mainly social situations though). It took until December for me to finally realize I was depressed. And I was angry, very, very angry with Kyle. As I had gotten more depressed he had gotten more depressed and it just went in a deadly circle.

So that is my sad little depression story.

Now onto happier things.

In January I got the IUD out and now 3 months later I am finally starting to feel like me again. Well almost. I'm still angry with Kyle but I'm working on it.  

I am finally starting to see that I am going to have to do this on my own.

See my problem in the past was that I thought since I was married now as a couple we could work through our depression and help pull each other out. But see when you have an imbalanced marriage (like mine seems to be) it doesn't matter what you do to pull the other person and yourself out you cannot make someone else not be depressed. You only have control over yourself and they also have no control over you and your attitude.

I am mainly angry because I have gone through just as much if not more than him (a.k.a. pregnancy, IUD depression, his whining, a huge change from working to being a stay at home mom, and things like that). But instead of him acting like we are going through this stuff together he acts like he has it so much worse than me (P.S. men are babies, had to be said). It may be wrong but I am tired of being treated like my life is so much better than his (it's almost exactly the same!) I just don't get him. And it wouldn't be that bad except that I really do believe him when he says my life is so much better than his and then I feel ridiculously guilty for being upset with him for treating me like that.

 Ahhhhh……………………………..

It's so not ok (in my head) for him to be thinking that I have it so much easier than him, it so does not help with the whole balance issue we have. I don't have it better than him I just actually see the good instead of the bad with everything we have gone through. Just a few examples are that we were really poor but we got a grant for him to start school and we got all of Jax's and mine medical expenses paid (and some of Jax's for his hand and other problems were ridiculous, he saw a lot of specialists).

Yes, his accident really stunk but we got through it and we got a better car that is now completely paid off and we are going to get paid by the insurance company in a few months for pain and suffering. See lots of good things have happened.

Ok this post is dragging. Sorry.

So I have come to a conclusion. If he wants to act like we aren't married and aren't going through this together that's exactly what I am going to do. I know that sounds bad but just wait for the explanation. I can't wait around for him to want to overcome his depression any longer. I just can't handle being depressed anymore. It's not in my nature and it was almost entirely because of hormones; only a little was caused by situation. So now that my hormones are getting back to normal I have to get myself in a better position mentally. It's unfair to me and to Jax for me to wait around for Kyle to be ready to do it with me so I am going to rely on myself. Girl Power, Woot, Woot!

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to feel like my marriage is tying me down instead of building me up. I will build myself up and I will be everything I want to be and hopefully through my example Kyle will do the same for himself. (But just so I don't count on it I'm going to think to myself that it won't make a difference to him.)

If you are going through something similar I urge you to talk about it. It is tremendously helpful to get your feelings out there, even if it is no more than writing it in a journal, or talking to a friend. I am overcoming my depression and even if I doing alone when it comes to my marriage I know I am not alone in doing this. I believe in my Savior and his ability to heal me. I know he can do the same for you.  I know the only way I can overcome my depression is with Christ's help. 

Oh Dear!

  I feel like I've been saying this all week!

It's been a very long one. 

A very, very, very long one.

It all started on Tuesday! Oh Tuesday!

I was sick. 

I thought it was just a migraine that was making me really nauseous.

I had the flu. My stinkin' Father gave it to me. :(

I felt better on Wednesday though.

Next, I get a call from Kyle on Wednesday afternoon.

"Pray I make it home" he says

"I'm so sick I don't know if I can make it"

I was half asleep (naptime :) but managed to respond with

"Ok honey sorry."

All Wednesday Kyle is sick! Ugh! 

P.S. Men are babies! Ok maybe not as good as babies (at least not mine)

Wednesday night dun, dun, dun!

I go to bed at 12:00. 12:05 I hear Jax throwing up!

A lot!

By 1:00 a.m. 

I have done 3 loads of laundry

Run out of sheets

Not slept at all

And realized that I needed to sleep in his room  

so I can help turn his head to the side to throw up every 15-20 minutes.

He was so weak. 

And yet so smiley. 

It amazes me how even though my little guy was so, so sick me just taking care of him and sleeping in his room made his whole world better. 

By 4:30 I can't do it anymore.

Kyle and I switch places and I get 3 hours of sleep before Jax wakes up at 7:30.

We get up! 

Ugh! 

More like slouch up. 

And are up for an hour before our nice (and simply amazing) 5 hour nap (with no puking) yes!

Seriously the no puking thing was a really big accomplishment for us all! ha ha but seriously.

Onto Friday

I have a Bridal Shower at my parents.

Kyle has lost his wallet.

 (FYI he lost it because he always leaves it in his pants even though I tell him not to)

We search for hours.

Can't find it.

Leave home without it.

I get there a few hours early to help clean up.

I killed at the close pin game! 

Yeah that's right! 

Oh, and Kyle ripped his pants because he didn't listen to me and wear different pants ha ha. (Ugh, Men)

P.S. I hope you all know the Spongebob ripped pants song. If not I feel sad for you. I sang it for Kyle in my head. 

I have to stay up until 12 to do the music for the reception on Saturday.

Then Kyle and I fight about something stupid simply because we didn't have time earlier in the week to fight about anything stupid so we have to fill our weekly quota. 

We are up until 2 fighting.

Saturday: The longest day of the longest week ever!

Jax wakes up at 7. 

5 hours of sleep is so not enough for today!

We start out the day searching for the wallet, again!

We decide that we will just have to go to the bank and get a temporary debit card until we get a new one in the mail.

Right as I'm getting ready and Kyle is about to get in the shower,

He finds it!

HALLELUJAH!

So we relax for the 30 mins extra we have now.

I take Kyle to work

Put Jax down for his nap and get ready

At 1 I leave the house to go to my friend's wedding.

Ok 1:15 but I tried to leave at 1! :)

Her wedding is all the way out in Maricopa City. 

Literally an hour away!

Very long drive with a lot of singing kid songs!

Get there.

Help my sister Mandy get the Bride all ready.

She looked so pretty.

End up being an impromptu bridesmaid.

So fun!

Then there is supposed to be dinner.

2 Hours later

I'm finishing cutting the meat for carne asadas.

We eat (Finally!)

Now remember I'm in charge of the music but I also have to pick Kyle up by 7 p.m.

Dinner is done at 6:30 (half an hour after when the wedding and reception were supposed to be over)

Ha ha it was interesting!

We are getting everything ready for them to cut the cake.

I'm about to start the song (Eat it! By Weird Al)

I hear "Are they fighting?" 

"Yeah I think they're fighting"

"What the"

Then the bride yells

"I called the cops you better get out of here!"

He he she cracks me up.

Behind her parents backyard is a little park and there was a group of guys brawling.

Very, very interesting!

They cut the cake! Yeah!

I have to go! It's already 7 and I was supposed to get Kyle.

Oh shoot!

I run around like I'm lost trying to get all my stuff (a.k.a all my baby crap) and get out of there!

7:20 I'm finally in my car and driving

By some miracle the drive to get kyle only takes 40 min instead of an hour

 (and I didn't get lost, added bonus)

We're finally home!

I blog

He watches Tron

AND in about 5 minutes I'm going to bed and the longest of longest weeks will finally be over.

I think I'm going to take the day of rest quite literally tomorrow! 

Oh, Dear will not be in my vocabulary for at least a month just because I'm tired of hearing it.

Congratulations to Samantha and Matthew.

 You guys are awesome! 

A CHANT!

I am having an odd day!

I finally changed my last name!

Weird right?

It took two years (and a few months), pregnancy, baby, 2 jobs for me, 6 jobs for kyle, 5 cars, 4 moves, and a whole lot of fights but I finally did it!

I committed to being a Chant.

Now I know a lot of you might not understand why this is such a big deal for me (and really it shouldn't be), but let me give you a little background to explain my insanity.

I second guess myself.

Yes, yes everyone does but I do it a lot!

About what I eat, drink, think, act, listen to, and just about everything in between.

I never say it out loud but I berate myself every chance I get.

I could blame this on a lot of things but to be truly honest I don't think I see my own worth clearly.

I think this is a common enough, I don't see what I mean to people, I don't let others see what they mean to me, I push people away because I cannot see why they would want to be around me.

The perfect example of this is my friends from high school. I had a big group of friends. We hung out every weekend. We had a lot of fun. I loved (love) every single one of them. I worry about them quite often. But they probably never knew that. I didn't think they cared as much about me as I did about them so I slowly started to push them away. 

It's sad. I know.

So instead of learning from this sad story I continue to do my little crazy dance with my husband.

I'm just glad he kind of gets me :)

He had been putting up with me (being rather good natured about it actually) giving him excuse after excuse to not go change my name. 

Pathetic!

In the back of my mind I am always thinking how hard it would be to change it back if he left me.

Freak I'm ridiculous! I just can't help myself. 

I have to put myself in the worst possible scenario in my head and plan for ways to deal with something that will probably (fingers crossed) never happen. 

See most people have these thoughts and deal with them or change them or something but not me, I embrace them! I cling to them and imagine them happening just so I can reassure myself that I could deal with it. 

Who the freak does that!

Another little insight to my insanity has to do with family.

I've never talked about this because I'm a little scared to share something so personal but I need to talk about this. So I am going to share and I hope none of you will judge because of this story. 

I had very little doubts before we got married but things had been a little different after he got home from his mission. It seemed nothing was going quite right. 

But we dealt with it and moved on.

We got married and were pretty dang happy!

About a month, maybe two after we got married something happened that sent a shock through our family.

Kyle's brother left his wife.

Everyone was affected and no one was prepared. 

Kyle's parents had not been prepared.

Kyle's brothers were not prepared.

My sister-in-laws had not been prepared. 

No one was aware of his personal turmoil.

Kyle's family had dealt with tragedy before but this was something that really sent a wave a grief through everyone.

Something else you should know about my family. They talk about nothing.

It's hard to see everyone struggling so much with something and yet talking so very little about it.

But I won't tell their story. It is theirs and it is too personal.

I got pregnant very soon after this.

So my hormones got the best of me.

I started to second guess everything Kyle did and said.

I know it is silly to compare someone you know so well (like your husband) to someone you obviously don't know at all and think they are going to be a lot a like. In my defense, brothers do tend to have a few trademark similarities.

I was so scared. 

I shouldn't have been.

It was juvenile and a little sad that I couldn't get a hold of myself enough to get it through my thick skull that Kyle is not his brother and would not do the same thing.

None the less I let it get to me.

So for the past two years I have not been dealing with my fears. But today is a new day. Today is the day I became a CHANT.

I WILL NOT BE SCARED!

I WILL NOT IMAGINE HIM LEAVING ME 

(even if I think it's the only sane thing for him to do sometimes).

I AM NOT GOING TO PUSH HIM AWAY ANYMORE!

I WILL EMBRACE ME!

I WILL BE ME!

I WILL LOVE ME! 

YOU WILL LOVE ME!

AND THIS JUST IS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL!

See I'm getting there!

Thanks for putting up with my insanity Kyle I love you more than you know (literally because I probably don't let you know). I'm happy to be a Chant, Finally!

Love,

Chandra Deanna Chant :)