A CHANT!

I am having an odd day!

I finally changed my last name!

Weird right?

It took two years (and a few months), pregnancy, baby, 2 jobs for me, 6 jobs for kyle, 5 cars, 4 moves, and a whole lot of fights but I finally did it!

I committed to being a Chant.

Now I know a lot of you might not understand why this is such a big deal for me (and really it shouldn't be), but let me give you a little background to explain my insanity.

I second guess myself.

Yes, yes everyone does but I do it a lot!

About what I eat, drink, think, act, listen to, and just about everything in between.

I never say it out loud but I berate myself every chance I get.

I could blame this on a lot of things but to be truly honest I don't think I see my own worth clearly.

I think this is a common enough, I don't see what I mean to people, I don't let others see what they mean to me, I push people away because I cannot see why they would want to be around me.

The perfect example of this is my friends from high school. I had a big group of friends. We hung out every weekend. We had a lot of fun. I loved (love) every single one of them. I worry about them quite often. But they probably never knew that. I didn't think they cared as much about me as I did about them so I slowly started to push them away. 

It's sad. I know.

So instead of learning from this sad story I continue to do my little crazy dance with my husband.

I'm just glad he kind of gets me :)

He had been putting up with me (being rather good natured about it actually) giving him excuse after excuse to not go change my name. 

Pathetic!

In the back of my mind I am always thinking how hard it would be to change it back if he left me.

Freak I'm ridiculous! I just can't help myself. 

I have to put myself in the worst possible scenario in my head and plan for ways to deal with something that will probably (fingers crossed) never happen. 

See most people have these thoughts and deal with them or change them or something but not me, I embrace them! I cling to them and imagine them happening just so I can reassure myself that I could deal with it. 

Who the freak does that!

Another little insight to my insanity has to do with family.

I've never talked about this because I'm a little scared to share something so personal but I need to talk about this. So I am going to share and I hope none of you will judge because of this story. 

I had very little doubts before we got married but things had been a little different after he got home from his mission. It seemed nothing was going quite right. 

But we dealt with it and moved on.

We got married and were pretty dang happy!

About a month, maybe two after we got married something happened that sent a shock through our family.

Kyle's brother left his wife.

Everyone was affected and no one was prepared. 

Kyle's parents had not been prepared.

Kyle's brothers were not prepared.

My sister-in-laws had not been prepared. 

No one was aware of his personal turmoil.

Kyle's family had dealt with tragedy before but this was something that really sent a wave a grief through everyone.

Something else you should know about my family. They talk about nothing.

It's hard to see everyone struggling so much with something and yet talking so very little about it.

But I won't tell their story. It is theirs and it is too personal.

I got pregnant very soon after this.

So my hormones got the best of me.

I started to second guess everything Kyle did and said.

I know it is silly to compare someone you know so well (like your husband) to someone you obviously don't know at all and think they are going to be a lot a like. In my defense, brothers do tend to have a few trademark similarities.

I was so scared. 

I shouldn't have been.

It was juvenile and a little sad that I couldn't get a hold of myself enough to get it through my thick skull that Kyle is not his brother and would not do the same thing.

None the less I let it get to me.

So for the past two years I have not been dealing with my fears. But today is a new day. Today is the day I became a CHANT.

I WILL NOT BE SCARED!

I WILL NOT IMAGINE HIM LEAVING ME 

(even if I think it's the only sane thing for him to do sometimes).

I AM NOT GOING TO PUSH HIM AWAY ANYMORE!

I WILL EMBRACE ME!

I WILL BE ME!

I WILL LOVE ME! 

YOU WILL LOVE ME!

AND THIS JUST IS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL!

See I'm getting there!

Thanks for putting up with my insanity Kyle I love you more than you know (literally because I probably don't let you know). I'm happy to be a Chant, Finally!

Love,

Chandra Deanna Chant :)