Drama Queen

Ok so sometimes I'll admit

I'm a bit of a drama queen.

Like the other day with my post.

Sorry Folks but to be honest

"it was my time of month."

So things are better today. 

I'm not so upset and I feel 

much better about everything.

Yeah we still have our problems

But I was overreacting a little bit.

Yes I am depressed.

Yes Kyle does not do as much as I'd like

And yes I get frustrated a little too easily.

But anyways!

Today was a good day! 

Kyle and I had a good talk last night.

We have made some decisions and some new goals.

I'm excited for once

And I'm actually giving myself lots to do.

And I'm going back to school in the fall. 

Yay!

I'll have to get a bike though.

I definitely can't walk all around the ASU campus.

It'll just be pathetic trying to get to class on time without a bike.

I just have little legs!

It's a sad truth.

So back to today.

Kyle's day off

We cleaned

We went the in-laws and all of Jax's cousins were there!

He had so much fun!

Seriously!

I was afraid he would never want to leave.

He played, he ate, he played some more.

It was so much fun!

Then we went to my parents

We got there just in time for me to make some salsa

my parents to make some carne asada.

We sat on the porch to eat since it was such a nice day.

The only downside was that Kyle got stung by a bee. Ouch! :(

Then we came home played some guitar hero and are currently watching Iron Giant.

A movie we have been wanting to watch for weeks but it never worked!

See good day!

Well I'm off I just wanted to update that I'm doing much better now 

that I'm a little more mentally balanced. :)

Goodnight!

Balance Issues and Other Depressing Tales

Does anyone else feel completely out of balance?

It's gotten better but to be truly honest I still feel like my marriage is out of balance.

I do more housework, (ok I am home all day but still he can't do one chore a week? Seriously)

I take care of everything with Jax (a.k.a. naps, snacks, breakfast, lunch, dinner, diapers, baths, etc)

I talk to Kyle more, tell him more about my life, cook, shave my legs more than he shaves his face.

And lots of other fun things that get on my nerves.

(P.S. I'm on the right and Kyle is the left)

I really wouldn’t be all that concerned but we've been married for over 2 years and it's been this way almost the whole time.I have to put this in. I feel like Bella and Edward except that I am the perfect one and he is the one who needs to work on being worthy of me :), (he he) even though he doesn't see it that way. Ha ha I had to put in my little Twilight comparison there.

To be fair the 3 months I was on bedrest and the month after I had Jax he took care of more around the house than I did. (I had a doctor's note though J)

I know every marriage has it's ups and downs but I'm starting to think this is just how it is going to be.

I know deep in my heart that it won't always be like this but I find myself asking, constantly, if this is ever going to get any better.

If we had more money would it get better, if he liked his job would it get better, if we moved, what if I went back to school, could he handle that?

These are just a few of the ridiculous questions I have.

Now I know hardly anyone ever talks about it but I'm going to talk about depression a little bit now.

I have been depressed for almost a year now. No it was not postpartum depression. I would have thought so but the first 6 weeks after I had Jax were absolutely perfect. I was in love with my baby and couldn’t be any happier finally having him in my arms. I never had any thoughts of being upset with him or anything. I only had those thoughts about Kyle (after the first 6 weeks of hardcore happy inducing birth related hormones). Then I went on birth control. Have I told you I hate hormone birth control? Well, in case I haven’t, I really, really hate it! I got a Mirena IUD 6 weeks after Jackson's birth at the beginning of April last year.

 At first I thought I was just sad because of the hormone changes but as the months dragged on I realized I was listless, gaining weight, stress eating, and I was starting to panic about really stupid things (mainly social situations though). It took until December for me to finally realize I was depressed. And I was angry, very, very angry with Kyle. As I had gotten more depressed he had gotten more depressed and it just went in a deadly circle.

So that is my sad little depression story.

Now onto happier things.

In January I got the IUD out and now 3 months later I am finally starting to feel like me again. Well almost. I'm still angry with Kyle but I'm working on it.  

I am finally starting to see that I am going to have to do this on my own.

See my problem in the past was that I thought since I was married now as a couple we could work through our depression and help pull each other out. But see when you have an imbalanced marriage (like mine seems to be) it doesn't matter what you do to pull the other person and yourself out you cannot make someone else not be depressed. You only have control over yourself and they also have no control over you and your attitude.

I am mainly angry because I have gone through just as much if not more than him (a.k.a. pregnancy, IUD depression, his whining, a huge change from working to being a stay at home mom, and things like that). But instead of him acting like we are going through this stuff together he acts like he has it so much worse than me (P.S. men are babies, had to be said). It may be wrong but I am tired of being treated like my life is so much better than his (it's almost exactly the same!) I just don't get him. And it wouldn't be that bad except that I really do believe him when he says my life is so much better than his and then I feel ridiculously guilty for being upset with him for treating me like that.

 Ahhhhh……………………………..

It's so not ok (in my head) for him to be thinking that I have it so much easier than him, it so does not help with the whole balance issue we have. I don't have it better than him I just actually see the good instead of the bad with everything we have gone through. Just a few examples are that we were really poor but we got a grant for him to start school and we got all of Jax's and mine medical expenses paid (and some of Jax's for his hand and other problems were ridiculous, he saw a lot of specialists).

Yes, his accident really stunk but we got through it and we got a better car that is now completely paid off and we are going to get paid by the insurance company in a few months for pain and suffering. See lots of good things have happened.

Ok this post is dragging. Sorry.

So I have come to a conclusion. If he wants to act like we aren't married and aren't going through this together that's exactly what I am going to do. I know that sounds bad but just wait for the explanation. I can't wait around for him to want to overcome his depression any longer. I just can't handle being depressed anymore. It's not in my nature and it was almost entirely because of hormones; only a little was caused by situation. So now that my hormones are getting back to normal I have to get myself in a better position mentally. It's unfair to me and to Jax for me to wait around for Kyle to be ready to do it with me so I am going to rely on myself. Girl Power, Woot, Woot!

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to feel like my marriage is tying me down instead of building me up. I will build myself up and I will be everything I want to be and hopefully through my example Kyle will do the same for himself. (But just so I don't count on it I'm going to think to myself that it won't make a difference to him.)

If you are going through something similar I urge you to talk about it. It is tremendously helpful to get your feelings out there, even if it is no more than writing it in a journal, or talking to a friend. I am overcoming my depression and even if I doing alone when it comes to my marriage I know I am not alone in doing this. I believe in my Savior and his ability to heal me. I know he can do the same for you.  I know the only way I can overcome my depression is with Christ's help. 

Oh Dear!

  I feel like I've been saying this all week!

It's been a very long one. 

A very, very, very long one.

It all started on Tuesday! Oh Tuesday!

I was sick. 

I thought it was just a migraine that was making me really nauseous.

I had the flu. My stinkin' Father gave it to me. :(

I felt better on Wednesday though.

Next, I get a call from Kyle on Wednesday afternoon.

"Pray I make it home" he says

"I'm so sick I don't know if I can make it"

I was half asleep (naptime :) but managed to respond with

"Ok honey sorry."

All Wednesday Kyle is sick! Ugh! 

P.S. Men are babies! Ok maybe not as good as babies (at least not mine)

Wednesday night dun, dun, dun!

I go to bed at 12:00. 12:05 I hear Jax throwing up!

A lot!

By 1:00 a.m. 

I have done 3 loads of laundry

Run out of sheets

Not slept at all

And realized that I needed to sleep in his room  

so I can help turn his head to the side to throw up every 15-20 minutes.

He was so weak. 

And yet so smiley. 

It amazes me how even though my little guy was so, so sick me just taking care of him and sleeping in his room made his whole world better. 

By 4:30 I can't do it anymore.

Kyle and I switch places and I get 3 hours of sleep before Jax wakes up at 7:30.

We get up! 

Ugh! 

More like slouch up. 

And are up for an hour before our nice (and simply amazing) 5 hour nap (with no puking) yes!

Seriously the no puking thing was a really big accomplishment for us all! ha ha but seriously.

Onto Friday

I have a Bridal Shower at my parents.

Kyle has lost his wallet.

 (FYI he lost it because he always leaves it in his pants even though I tell him not to)

We search for hours.

Can't find it.

Leave home without it.

I get there a few hours early to help clean up.

I killed at the close pin game! 

Yeah that's right! 

Oh, and Kyle ripped his pants because he didn't listen to me and wear different pants ha ha. (Ugh, Men)

P.S. I hope you all know the Spongebob ripped pants song. If not I feel sad for you. I sang it for Kyle in my head. 

I have to stay up until 12 to do the music for the reception on Saturday.

Then Kyle and I fight about something stupid simply because we didn't have time earlier in the week to fight about anything stupid so we have to fill our weekly quota. 

We are up until 2 fighting.

Saturday: The longest day of the longest week ever!

Jax wakes up at 7. 

5 hours of sleep is so not enough for today!

We start out the day searching for the wallet, again!

We decide that we will just have to go to the bank and get a temporary debit card until we get a new one in the mail.

Right as I'm getting ready and Kyle is about to get in the shower,

He finds it!

HALLELUJAH!

So we relax for the 30 mins extra we have now.

I take Kyle to work

Put Jax down for his nap and get ready

At 1 I leave the house to go to my friend's wedding.

Ok 1:15 but I tried to leave at 1! :)

Her wedding is all the way out in Maricopa City. 

Literally an hour away!

Very long drive with a lot of singing kid songs!

Get there.

Help my sister Mandy get the Bride all ready.

She looked so pretty.

End up being an impromptu bridesmaid.

So fun!

Then there is supposed to be dinner.

2 Hours later

I'm finishing cutting the meat for carne asadas.

We eat (Finally!)

Now remember I'm in charge of the music but I also have to pick Kyle up by 7 p.m.

Dinner is done at 6:30 (half an hour after when the wedding and reception were supposed to be over)

Ha ha it was interesting!

We are getting everything ready for them to cut the cake.

I'm about to start the song (Eat it! By Weird Al)

I hear "Are they fighting?" 

"Yeah I think they're fighting"

"What the"

Then the bride yells

"I called the cops you better get out of here!"

He he she cracks me up.

Behind her parents backyard is a little park and there was a group of guys brawling.

Very, very interesting!

They cut the cake! Yeah!

I have to go! It's already 7 and I was supposed to get Kyle.

Oh shoot!

I run around like I'm lost trying to get all my stuff (a.k.a all my baby crap) and get out of there!

7:20 I'm finally in my car and driving

By some miracle the drive to get kyle only takes 40 min instead of an hour

 (and I didn't get lost, added bonus)

We're finally home!

I blog

He watches Tron

AND in about 5 minutes I'm going to bed and the longest of longest weeks will finally be over.

I think I'm going to take the day of rest quite literally tomorrow! 

Oh, Dear will not be in my vocabulary for at least a month just because I'm tired of hearing it.

Congratulations to Samantha and Matthew.

 You guys are awesome! 

A CHANT!

I am having an odd day!

I finally changed my last name!

Weird right?

It took two years (and a few months), pregnancy, baby, 2 jobs for me, 6 jobs for kyle, 5 cars, 4 moves, and a whole lot of fights but I finally did it!

I committed to being a Chant.

Now I know a lot of you might not understand why this is such a big deal for me (and really it shouldn't be), but let me give you a little background to explain my insanity.

I second guess myself.

Yes, yes everyone does but I do it a lot!

About what I eat, drink, think, act, listen to, and just about everything in between.

I never say it out loud but I berate myself every chance I get.

I could blame this on a lot of things but to be truly honest I don't think I see my own worth clearly.

I think this is a common enough, I don't see what I mean to people, I don't let others see what they mean to me, I push people away because I cannot see why they would want to be around me.

The perfect example of this is my friends from high school. I had a big group of friends. We hung out every weekend. We had a lot of fun. I loved (love) every single one of them. I worry about them quite often. But they probably never knew that. I didn't think they cared as much about me as I did about them so I slowly started to push them away. 

It's sad. I know.

So instead of learning from this sad story I continue to do my little crazy dance with my husband.

I'm just glad he kind of gets me :)

He had been putting up with me (being rather good natured about it actually) giving him excuse after excuse to not go change my name. 

Pathetic!

In the back of my mind I am always thinking how hard it would be to change it back if he left me.

Freak I'm ridiculous! I just can't help myself. 

I have to put myself in the worst possible scenario in my head and plan for ways to deal with something that will probably (fingers crossed) never happen. 

See most people have these thoughts and deal with them or change them or something but not me, I embrace them! I cling to them and imagine them happening just so I can reassure myself that I could deal with it. 

Who the freak does that!

Another little insight to my insanity has to do with family.

I've never talked about this because I'm a little scared to share something so personal but I need to talk about this. So I am going to share and I hope none of you will judge because of this story. 

I had very little doubts before we got married but things had been a little different after he got home from his mission. It seemed nothing was going quite right. 

But we dealt with it and moved on.

We got married and were pretty dang happy!

About a month, maybe two after we got married something happened that sent a shock through our family.

Kyle's brother left his wife.

Everyone was affected and no one was prepared. 

Kyle's parents had not been prepared.

Kyle's brothers were not prepared.

My sister-in-laws had not been prepared. 

No one was aware of his personal turmoil.

Kyle's family had dealt with tragedy before but this was something that really sent a wave a grief through everyone.

Something else you should know about my family. They talk about nothing.

It's hard to see everyone struggling so much with something and yet talking so very little about it.

But I won't tell their story. It is theirs and it is too personal.

I got pregnant very soon after this.

So my hormones got the best of me.

I started to second guess everything Kyle did and said.

I know it is silly to compare someone you know so well (like your husband) to someone you obviously don't know at all and think they are going to be a lot a like. In my defense, brothers do tend to have a few trademark similarities.

I was so scared. 

I shouldn't have been.

It was juvenile and a little sad that I couldn't get a hold of myself enough to get it through my thick skull that Kyle is not his brother and would not do the same thing.

None the less I let it get to me.

So for the past two years I have not been dealing with my fears. But today is a new day. Today is the day I became a CHANT.

I WILL NOT BE SCARED!

I WILL NOT IMAGINE HIM LEAVING ME 

(even if I think it's the only sane thing for him to do sometimes).

I AM NOT GOING TO PUSH HIM AWAY ANYMORE!

I WILL EMBRACE ME!

I WILL BE ME!

I WILL LOVE ME! 

YOU WILL LOVE ME!

AND THIS JUST IS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL!

See I'm getting there!

Thanks for putting up with my insanity Kyle I love you more than you know (literally because I probably don't let you know). I'm happy to be a Chant, Finally!

Love,

Chandra Deanna Chant :)

Shout out to Women! We Rule!

So this semester Kyle has Philosophy 101. He hates it. It is the bane of his existence! He just can't grasp what they're talking about! So I've taken this class and I'm trying to help him out but he's being all difficult about it.

So last night I'm trying to explain to him what they are talking about when it comes to innate knowledge.

And I just keep thinking that he is completely hopeless!

He didn't even get how they were writing!

I sit him down and start to explain.

"Philosopher's are arrogant sons of B!+(&#$"

He just stares at me in confusion so I go on...

"They think they are the first person to ever have any ideas about such things as innate knowledge 

(foundation to our learning) from the senses, from ourselves, etc...

They aren't the first to have these thoughts. They are just the first arrogant enough to feel the need to write

them down."

Still staring like I'm talking crazy!

"So when your reading something like this (I point to the chapter he's reading) where they are

essentially talking to themselves about their thoughts you just need to remember that you've

had these thoughts too you just aren't an arrogant son of a B!+(&# so you never felt the need to publish your

thoughts and make yourself out to be a genius."

He finally responds

"What's the point of studying about them if they are pointless?"

"That's philosophy babe! Just a different way of thinking and processing the information you receive."

"Ok so what do I do"

"When you read this stuff just remember that they are all arrogant, pretentious lunatics who want you to think like them."

"Arrogant, pretentious lunatics? Ok!" He replies skeptically "I'll try"

Point of this story either my husband is a true innocent and doesn't realize how much our education is based on guys like these philosopher's or he is just as arrogant and pretentious therefore didn't understand their motives. Ah ha ha

Men...

The Bane of every woman's existence! 

P.S. anyone ever notice how there are no notable philosopher women? 

Personal theory: We understand naturally the things men have to ponder for centuries to understand!

Ah ha ha

Just a little shout out to all my ladies!

Love, Chandra

What to do? I need votes!

Just so you are aware I am a wee bit random! Ok, I'm really random! So let's start with what we have been up to lately. Well Last month was Jax's Birthday! We had a really awesome party at Golfland with all our family and friends (for the most part). Jax got so many awesome toys and he had just been loving life lately! He was so darn cute with eating cake (for the first time) and playing with his friends and opening presents. I was really surprised I didn't cry. Ok so maybe I got a little misty on the way but that's what moms do right?

Anyways, update on Jax, we were worried about his weight he had weighed between 17 and 18 pounds since he was 6 months old but at his 1 year check up he was up to 20 pounds and he is currently at 22 pounds and has grown 2 inches. He was really starting to worry us that he would have some growth problems but now it seems that I am the one with the growth problems and he wasn't getting enough nutrition from my milk so I'll have to get that checked out in the future (hopefully not too soon though). So he is growing through the roof and we can barely keep enough food in the house to satisfy this little tornado. He really does seem like a tornado! He climbs on everything and throws everything on the floor! Terrible two's is coming terribly early! But hey he's getting me back in shape so can't complain too much. He really is just the most outgoing and amazing little guy. 

 Storytime! So the other day we go to Home Depot to look for some wood chips for our little back area since he likes to jump off his new climber and well concrete doesn't provide a very soft landing. Well he refused to stay in the cart or in our arms so he just walked around like he owned the place. Well we walk past an older lady who was obviously deep in thought about the product she may be buying, when Jax walks right up to her looks at her then at the shelf she's looking at, back at her, and then grabs her hand and starts walking away with her. I couldn't hold in the laughter. She was so surprised and she started to laugh too. 

She's says "Oh, Hello"

Jax just replies "Hi" and keeps walking.

We had to pry him away but needless to say he made her day, and mine!

Well right now Kyle is just work, work, working and doing his online classes! He's really been pretty boring lately being so busy! Don't tell him I said that! It seems like he's just always going, going, going and if he gets an opportunity to stop, he's asleep. Like right now, he's napping on the couch.

Ok now we get to the hard part. What I'm up to. Well I've really been quite boring lately. I'm trying to change that but I can't seem to pick just one thing to do. So survey time…

What should I do

1. Finish the short stories I have been working on (this will take at least a month)
2. Start making the new pillows I've been wanting for my family room (take at least 2 weeks)
3. Go shopping. . . There are a few things I am in dire need of, jeans, shirts, shorts, etc (Take as long as I want :)
4. Make the scrapbooks I've been meaning to put together (wedding, baby, our weight loss challenge book, etc)
5. Start a garden. Just a dinky little thing that will mostly been in planter pots (This will be a 3-4 month thing, if not all year)
6. Clean my house. Ok I need to do this no matter what but I thought I'd throw it in just for fun!

So there you go! Give me your vote so I can't finally figure out where I should start! I really am desperate for some input. Kyle has no idea how to give me advice when it comes to this stuff (silly men).

We've been praying for all the people in Japan and other areas that were affected who have been hurt by the recent tragedies and if you or someone you know has been affected please know that our hearts and minds are with you and we are truly sorry for your loss. We are all children of God and He is the only one who can really know how we feel. We pray your life will be filled with His light and that you can feel his Love.

Here are some pics of what we've been doing lately! Check out how chubby Jax's cheeks are getting again (they are awesome). 

Birthday Party Boy!

Unwrapping Presents!

Climbed from bottom of table to top of table in 3 seconds flat, he's got some skill!

Yeah he got up there all on his own! Check out those abs!

He was having so much fine climbing in this thing!

Riding a Baby Elephant!

My little Frog Prince

Kings of Frogs!

After he touched this squirrel it just stayed there and stared at him. 

Riding the Airplane Mima and Papa got Jax for his B-day!

On the throne at Jax's B-day Party!

Mmmm... Cake! 

Squishing cake in his own face! Couldn't get it in fast enough!